oh, hello

As many — most — of you likely know, 15 days ago now my husband and I lost our beloved dog Magnolia, a companion, a true pal, a cuddler, a potato. My anxiety the past few months as we watched Maggie slowly go downhill skyrocketed: is Maggie dying? when will Maggie die?  what will I do if Maggie dies, how can I keep going? She’s been my best friend for seven years, both my and my husband’s daily routines woven around her. Losing her was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

So, of course, I jumped on social media about it. Updating friends, asking for vibes, then pouring my heart and pictures out. It felt good, right away, to hear about how everyone loved that dog (such a ham, even though she hated having her picture taken) from afar. But then constantly posting about my grief felt strange, so I stopped doing it, and tried to engage in the day to day of Twitter and found that I just couldn’t. My heart was too broken. So I deactivated it, and with it, my link to most friends, most interesting articles, thoughts from people I really respect and like. But, to be honest, after a week I feel much better. I’m not necessarily spending my time better — we’ll get to that — but I’m not as compulsive about it.

I am reading books (two mediocre ones so far this year ¯\_(ツ)_/¯), watching movies (some very good things so far, we’ll get to that too), mostly spending time with Darren. Neither of us feels afraid to talk about Magnolia, we still want her in the room, even if it hurts. A partner in grief is a luxury that I feel reluctantly lucky to have.

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But this unstructured time without a pet to tend to is new to me, and I want to fill it with words, with getting back to writing on a regular basis. Last year I wrote a few pieces I’m proud of (on Zia Anger and Björk and other women on film), but otherwise was either ignored or declined pitch-wise. It stinks, but it’s ok. I’ll just write those things here instead, the way I want, when they come to me.

So expect mini (maybe not-so-mini eventually) essays, reviews, lists, pictures, recipes, anything else I want to gush about in 2020.

ps: I’ll be back on Twitter for my birthday later this month, I’m not made of stone.

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